Understanding Depression

By Faye

Growing up in Christian circles, depression wasn’t something talked about; it made people uncomfortable. As a young woman struggling to find my place, I wanted to be accepted. Thus, I pretended to be happy so I could be what people wanted me to be. This turned me into a really good liar. I fooled everyone into thinking I was something that I’m not, and it was easy to do. I want people to be proud of me; my greatest fear is to disappoint people. However, I couldn’t please everyone. I loved the people I was close to, but they didn’t really know me and didn’t take the time to get past the mask. This started a resentment which turned into numbness.

My depression was a weakness. Soon I didn’t want to let anyone see my joy or sorrow, because you can’t have it both ways. If my depression was to remain in solitude, so was my joy. I suffered alone and build a mask that made me appear happy. Generally, I’m optimistic person, but this isn’t the same as being happy. Optimism became my mask.  I was such a fake. The people around me thought they saw me happy, but that wasn’t my real joy. I was just giving them what I though they want.

Today, I’ve come to accept my depression as more than a weakness. I realize that it a necessary phase in my life. This season in my life has brought a lot of sorrow, and I’ve sunk really deep into depression. My friends tell me I just need to get happy. Get happy? What does that even mean? Depression does not mean that I’m never happy. In this season of depression I’ve experience some of the happiest times of my life. Depression is not the same thing as sadness, at least not for me. Depression goes much deeper than sadness, and you can’t just lift yourself out of depression by means of happiness. For right now, depression feels ok.  It is hard to explain this to other people, but I’ll make it.