Finding Hope

The writer of this post wishes to remain anonymous. She narrates her experience with anorexia, a disease that afflicts a number of women and men, at Christian colleges and elsewhere. We appreciate her willingness to tell her story.

Last year, a struggle with anorexia entered my life. I never thought that an eating disorder would be a part of my life, but I found myself becoming obsessed with counting calories and working out as much as I could to lose weight. It was one of the darkest seasons of my life.

Though I am climbing the other side of that deep valley with help from counseling and support, there are days that I struggle with eating, and living in the truth of who God says I am - that my value is not found in how I look and not determined by how I feel. I wrote this poem as I neared the end of my junior year on a day when I was given hope. I was in a place of feeling so tired of fighting, and God ministered to me in that place, giving me the hope that one day I would leave that dark place, a hope I could not muster on my own. He reassured me that I was not alone, and that I did not have to fight my battle alone.

“Hope”

Flashes of hope

They catch my eye

When I am feeling so lost

And empty inside

They reflect some light

On this cold dark place

They show me the sky

When my life is clouded with rain

I thought I was lost

I thought I was gone

I thought of all it would cost

And I was incredibly wrong

Hope found me

In the midst of this darkness

Hope found me

When I couldn’t find a way out of this mess

I still feel entrenched

I still feel the battle

I still feel the warring

And I know that it’s not over

But what I do know

What I know to be true

That I am not alone

I am walking with You

There are moments I see

There are moments I envision

I can see myself free

And out of this prison

I want those parts to grow

I want those ideas to shine

I want myself to know

That victory is mine

Though I feel so very tired

And it’s not often I can see this grace

I can feel it in this moment

And it doesn’t seem so far away

I know there’s work to do

And I know it’s a process filled way

But that small flash of hope

Will get me through this day

If you are struggling with an eating disorder, I encourage you to tell someone, someone you trust and who can support you in getting help that you need. You do not need to suffer in isolation and in shame any longer. You can be free.